What does your ideal relationship look like?
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What are you looking for in a relationship? What kind of partnership do you hope to have?
It's hard to know what you really want or what qualities you should prioritize. But it’s not for lack of trying. Societal pressures, well-intentioned friends and family, and personal expectations all weigh on you. The result is that many find themselves overwhelmed and unsure about what truly matters in a partnership.
Anytime you confront a situation that feels endlessly complex and complicated, it’s useful to step back from it all and ask a simple question: What would this look like if it were simple?
So let’s do that for your love life and marriage. What would be a great relationship if we simplified it to the most essential elements?
Based on my 20 years of studying and helping people improve their relationships, I created a four-part summary of what a healthy relationship looks like. My goal was to provide a simple framework to help people know if they’re on the right track.
The “4 F” Relationship
Relationships don’t have to be complicated. In fact, the best relationships are simple and involve four key elements: Friendship, Fun, Fulfillment, and Fidelity. When couples prioritize these elements it allows them to focus on what truly matters, without getting distracted by less important aspects. Let’s look at each piece.
1. Friendship: The Foundation
Every relationship needs to have friendship at its core. While we need to find our partner physically attractive, that shouldn’t be the driving force that propels a relationship forward. In fact, research shows that the “friendship-to-lovers” pathway is common, with 2 out of 3 relationships starting as friends (Stinson et al., 2022).
If partners rely too much on superficial qualities, the relationship will likely fizzle out. Instead, when your partner is your best friend, you share interests, communicate openly, and genuinely enjoy each other's company. This allows partners to be each other’s supporters, confidants, and allies.
2. Fun: Keeping the Spark Alive
Boredom is a relationship chemistry killer. Early on in relationships, it’s easy to have fun. Everything is new and exciting. As the relationship develops, life gets in the way, and you fall into routines that drain the excitement.
The best relationships maintain a sense of fun and playfulness. In other words, couples should keep dating by engaging in activities that are novel and exciting (Aron et al., 2022). Whether it's trying new activities together, being silly with each other, or maintaining a sense of humor, keeping fun alive helps keep the relationship going strong.
3. Fulfillment: Growing Together
The best relationships focus on more than the here and now; they prioritize the partnership’s trajectory with an emphasis on supporting each other’s continued growth. When that happens, couples aren’t just happy; they’re fulfilled.
To accomplish that, partners encourage each other's personal development, celebrate each other's achievements, and work together toward shared goals. When partners support each other’s growth, the relationship thrives (Overall et al., 2010). By focusing on fulfillment, couples not only strengthen their bond but continue building and growing in the future.
THE BASICS
- Why Relationships Matter
- Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test
- Find a therapist to strengthen relationships
4. Fidelity: Commitment to Loyalty and Longevity
Fidelity is more than simply romantic exclusivity (i.e., not cheating). Rather, fidelity represents loyalty, faithfulness, and a commitment to nurturing the relationship for the long term.
It involves making decisions with the future in mind, working through challenges together, and continuously reinvesting in the relationship. Fidelity requires emotional loyalty and dedication to the partnership's growth and endurance.
Research shows that couples who are highly committed to each other are less lonely and report higher life satisfaction (Bucher et al., 2019). In other words, you shouldn’t take the good in your relationship for granted.
In many ways, these are obvious. But that's the point. When they're easy to remember, they're easier to implement. If you were looking for a sign to get your dating and love life back on track, this is it.
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Implementing the 4-F Approach
With these four elements in mind, couples should commit to maintaining or rekindling their friendship. What were the qualities that attracted you to your partner in the first place? Celebrate those and seek opportunities to enjoy quality time together without worrying about the hassles of your everyday life.
Don’t stop there. You can also look for ways to incorporate new and exciting activities into your life to keep the fun alive. Plan date nights, vacations, or even just a fun Friday night.
Relationships aren’t just about romance but about building a rich, satisfying life together, so partners should also check in with each other to look for opportunities to support each other’s growth. Finally, couples should regularly step back and look at their big-picture goals and discuss the long-term future.
The 4-F Relationship model offers a holistic approach to love that balances emotional intimacy, enjoyment, personal growth, and longevity. It reminds us that at the heart of every strong partnership are basic elements we can nurture to build a strong foundation for love that truly lasts.
