Awoman who chose toend her marriage while her husband battled cancer sentus ananonymous letter. She wishes toshare her challenging story with others insimilar situations tohelp them avoid repeating the same mistakes.
The wonderful marriage of10years was shattered bythe devastating news ofher husband’s diagnosis.
“Myhusband andI were married for 10years, enjoying awonderful marriage and fulfilling life together. Wevisited over 40countries, engaged inextreme sports, and built successful careers. Everything changed when myhusband was diagnosed with cancer. Iwas insuch shock that itfelt like myworld had literally collapsed.”
“Ittook meseveral months tocome toterms with the diagnosis and adjust toour new way oflife. However, Ieventually pulled myself together and made afirm decision that wewould face this challenge together.”
The woman took charge ofeverything, from managing the household tooverseeing her husband’s treatment.
“Iquit myjob and took onthe full responsibility ofmanaging our household and myhusband’s treatment. Icoordinated his doctor visits and diligently searched for new doctors and alternative treatment options. Ihandled everything from scheduling appointments and managing medications tokeeping track ofmedical records and exploring cutting-edge therapies. Mydays were consumed with ensuring hereceived the best possible care while also maintaining some semblance ofnormalcy athome.”
Her husband wallowed into self-pity.
“Mylife became aliving hell with arelentless cycle ofconstant doctor visits and grim prognoses. Itried tostay positive, doing mybest tokeep our spiritsup, while myhusband wallowed into self-pity. The last straw was when herefused toundergo chemotherapy, claiming itwas too painful and wouldn’t guarantee him acure.
Itseemed asthough hehad stopped seeing mealtogether. All hecould focus onwas his own pain and suffering. Hedidn’t notice the effortsI was making oracknowledge the fact thatI, too, was struggling and hurting. Isacrificed everything tosupport him through this journey, sohis decision felt like abetrayal.”
“Ibegged and pleaded with him, trying toconvince him that itwas his best chance atsurvival. But heremained adamant, choosing instead topursue alternative treatments that offered little scientific evidence ofeffectiveness.
Ashis condition deteriorated, sodid our relationship. Resentment built upinside measI watched him surrender tohis illness without putting upafight. Ifelt betrayed and abandoned, left tocarry the burden ofhis sickness alone.”
She made adecision toleave her husband.
“Despite myfrustration and anger, Icouldn’t bring myself toleave him. Imade avow tostand byhim insickness and inhealth, andI intended tohonorit. But asthe days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, Ifound myself questioning everything.”
“One fateful night, asI sat byhis bedside, watching him sleep fitfully, Ireached mybreaking point. The exhaustion ofbeing his caretaker, the weight ofhis illness pressing down onme—it was all too much tobear. Iknew then thatI had tomake achoice for myself, for myown sanity and well-being. This nightI made the most difficult decision ofmylife.”
Her decision left adeep scar inher soul.
“This decision left aprofound scar onmysoul. Ittriggered anegative reaction from our mutual friends and relatives. Many simply failed tounderstand meand believedI had betrayed myhusband.
Ittook several years oftherapy for metorealize that Iam not abad person, thatI prioritized myself inthis situation. Myhusband made his decision, andI made mine.”
“Ihope that mystory will help those who find themselves inasimilar situation. It’s crucial toseek help from apsychologist, both for the patients themselves and for their family members. Maybe our story would have ended differently ifwehad just visited acouple’s therapist.”
- Ask for help. Many caregivers say that, looking back, they took too much onthemselves. Orthey wish they had asked for help from friends orfamily sooner. Take anhonest look atwhat you can and can’t do. What things doyou need orwant todoyourself? What tasks can you turn over orshare with people?
- Take care ofyourself. All family caregivers need support. But you may feel that your needs aren’t important right now, since you’re not the cancer patient. You may besoused totaking care ofsomeone else that it’s hard for you tochange focus. But caring for your own needs, hopes, and desires can give you the strength you need tocarryon.
- Understand your feelings. Giving yourself anoutlet for your own thoughts and feelings isimportant. Think about what would help lift your spirits. Would talking with others help ease your load? Orwould you rather have quiet time byyourself? Maybe you need both, depending onwhat’s going oninyour life. It’s helpful for you and others toknow what you need.
- Write inajournal. Research shows that writing orjournaling can help relieve negative thoughts and feelings. And itmay actually help improve your own health. You might write about your most stressful experiences. Oryou may want toexpress your deepest thoughts and feelings. You can also write about things that make you feel good, such asapretty day orakind coworker orfriend.
- Join asupport group. Support groups can meet inperson, byphone, oronline. They may help you gain new insights into what ishappening, get ideas about how tocope, and help you know that you’re not alone. Many hospitals, cancer centers, community groups, and schools offer cancer support groups.
Here are some ways tofind groups near you:
- Call your local hospital and ask about its cancer support programs.
- Ask your social worker tosuggest groups.
- Talk toother patients who have tried support groups.
- Doanonline search for groups. Orgotothe NCI database Organizations that Offer Cancer Support Services for suggestions.
Our other reader wrote toBright Side totell her heart-wrenching story offriendship and betrayal, when she broke upwith her fiancé right before the wedding after reading anote from her maid ofhonor.
